


The Phone Call

by tallestgirlonearth



Series: We Need A Do Over [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Bittersweet, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Post-Divorce, they're all good don't worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:33:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29533434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tallestgirlonearth/pseuds/tallestgirlonearth
Summary: They haven’t spoken in months, ever since they decided that it was best for Jesse and Billie to focus on getting settled in Atlanta, instead of clinging to the vestiges of Manhattan in their lives. The change is difficult for all of them, but it’s important that the girls understand that while he will always be their Uncle Sonny, he won’t be around in person anymore. Together, Sonny and her decided to cut back on Zoom calls and goodnight stories over the phone, but now Amanda has a very different reason to call.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: We Need A Do Over [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2168130
Kudos: 22





	The Phone Call

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't leave this idea alone because as much as I live for angst and heartbreak and life being a rollercoaster, I also love happy and hopeful endings and everybody working out their issues.
> 
> This can be read as a standalone, but makes more sense if you read the first part of the series first. 
> 
> Lemme know what you think and as always, to each their own ship and peace out :)

“ADA Carisi speaking.”

Upon hearing her ex-husband’s voice, Amanda smiles. He sounds brisk, businesslike, and she can picture him clearly – well-tailored suit, the hair combed back, eyes open and alert even though they’re perpetually accentuated by dark circles, the product of being a junior ADA climbing his way up the ladder.

“Well, hello, Mr. Hotshot. It’s Amanda.”

They haven’t spoken in months, ever since they decided that it was best for Jesse and Billie to focus on getting settled in Atlanta, instead of clinging to the vestiges of Manhattan in their lives. The change is difficult for all of them, but it’s important that the girls understand that while he will always be their Uncle Sonny, he won’t be around in person anymore. Together, Sonny and her decided to cut back on Zoom calls and goodnight stories over the phone, but now Amanda has a very different reason to call.

“Hey, Amanda! How’s it going? The girls all good?” He sounds surprised, but not in a bad way.

“The girls are fine. So it’s Carisi still, not Carisi-Barba or something?”

Sonny chuckles.

“It’s Barba-Carisi, actually, but we decided to keep our names for the job. Makes it less confusing, because we have a lot of mutual acquaintances.”

Amanda laughs lightly. Back when they planned their wedding, she had used the same reasoning to explain to Sonny why she didn’t want any change in names. He’d accepted it at the time, and she had been glad for it, because while it made sense, it was also an excuse for her. The Rollins name wasn’t anything special, and her family members had given her plenty of grief over the years, but it was still part of her, a part she didn’t want to relinquish, even as she hitched her wagon to somebody else’s. However, she’d always suspected that Carisi was more than willing to take the name of his spouse, in whatever form. It was all in his outlook on life, the belief that a family unit would always persevere where a lone individual might flounder, that together you could conquer anything, that a marriage was something greater than the sum of its parts. She’s a little surprised, but delighted that, apparently, Barba is a lot less stubbornly self-sufficient as her.

“Well, it has a nice ring to it. Even though it’s a bit of a mouthful. How was the honeymoon? Fin told me you went to Cuba.”

Fin had told her a lot more than that. As soon as the hangover of an _extremely_ entertaining wedding reception had worn off, he’d called her with stories and photos at the ready. If anyone held a gun to her head, Amanda would be willing to admit that she’d gotten a bit teary: Seeing both Barba and Sonny dressed to the nines, in matching navy suits and complementary ties and pocket squares (buttery yellow and cream for Barba, soft pink and crisp white for Sonny), smiling at each other like idiots all through the ceremony, was an indisputably lovely sight. There had been no picture of the vows, because as Fin put it, he’d been busy handing out tissues to Liv like a long-suffering father on _Bridezillas_.

When he’d mentioned how Barba poured every ounce of emotion known to man into his vows, so much that his voice was just as hoarse as it was strong, and how Sonny almost couldn’t speak at all, Amanda read between the lines that no-nonsense Fin had been more than likely a little affected himself.

Other pictures among the veritable spam that Amanda had gotten included snaps from the reception. There were the flowers, table arrangements and gifts (probably courtesy of Liv), an actually smiling Lucia Barba deep in conversation with Dominick Carisi Sr., and the newlyweds, still smiling, close enough to kiss basically all through the evening, and leaving no room for Jesus during their first dance.

In a reversal of their day-to-day personalities, it was Barba who was glowing with joy. Sonny didn’t vibrate with elation like he did when him and Amanda tied the knot, instead he seemed to be floating in a sense of quiet bliss and wonder.

The change for the better they had brought to each other’s lives had been palpable in these pictures, and it had given Amanda the push to finally dial her ex-husband’s number and offer her congratulations.

“Fin told you, huh? Didn’t know you kept in touch that much.”

Sonny’s voice sounds slightly wary, despite the tinny quality of the speakers and for a second Amanda fears she misstepped.

“Did you not want him to?”

“No, no, it’s not that,” Sonny says hastily, and then the tone of his voice changes to awkwardness, “I just didn’t think you’d want to know. I mean, we’re… we were…yeah.”

_We’re divorced._

_We were married once, and that was us in the pictures of a perfect wedding._

He doesn’t need to say it. She’s put 800 miles between them, but no amount of distance can ever truly make you forget heartbreak. However, it can lessen the pain, be the first step towards healing.

“Of course I want to know, Sonny. I know we agreed that it’s time for me and the kids to put New York in the rearview mirror, but that doesn’t mean we’re gonna forget the people. We’ve known each other for such a long time, hell, I worked with Barba for years before you even entered the scene. I want you to be well, Sonny, and Barba’s a good guy. He’ll do right by you, and I’m happy you found each other, no matter how the two of us fucked up beforehand.”

She can hear Sonny exhaling shakily.

“Yeah, we made a right mess, didn’t we?”

He can’t see her, but Amanda shakes her head a little. There is always a tiny part of Sonny that clings to the pain in his life as a sort of self-flagellation. It’s gotten better over time, when he found his purpose in life and the people he belongs with not by blood but by bond, but a Catholic upbringing can leave its hooks in you for a lifetime. His next words only drive home that fact.

“You know, we made the right decisions, I know we did, but still…getting a divorce was hard enough to explain to my family, but actually _being_ divorced? That felt like a sign etched into my forehead.”

Amanda chuckles ruefully, because she’s intimately familiar with the feeling that she’s wearing her shame for all to see, no matter how wrong the perception may be.

“Well, it’s not.”

“Yeah, but then I went and started dating Rafael when my Ma would still tell the neighbours that I’d _just_ split up with my wife,“ he sucks in a breath “holy shit, I never actually told you that I didn’t mean…it wasn’t…”

Okay, time to put an end to Sonny’s spiralling. 

“Hey. Sonny. Listen up.” In the brief silence after he’s stopped his rambling, Amanda gathers her thoughts. There are some things she needs to say, and he needs to hear, and she has to get it right.

“Whatever happened between us, it _wasn’t your fault,_ okay, Sonny? And let’s leave out your family here, because I know them and I know you’re close, but they’re Staten Island Italian-Americans and batshit crazy sometimes, yeah?”

A huff of breath that could be a laugh. Yeah, Sonny knows what she’s talking about. All Carisi siblings have managed to leave Staten Island, but out of the four of them, Sonny is the one who came the furthest in putting up distance _psychologically._

“You and me, we were good for a while, but we weren’t what we each wanted in a partner, let alone a spouse. I wasn’t ever emotionally open enough for you, and I should’ve known that, because I tanked other relationships because of that same problem, but I thought it would be different with you, because you were my best friend. That’s on me, and I’m really sorry for the pain I caused you by being so goddamn stubborn. And I think I also need to point out that I’m completely fine with you and Rafael. You hear me? It doesn’t matter to me whether you hooked up two weeks after the divorce, or two years, because let’s be real here, this wasn't a rebound. There was always something brewing between the two of you, right?”

The moment those words have left her mouth, Amanda is struck by how much she actually means them.

Sonny’s hero-worship of their ADA was the cause for plenty of jokes and some grievances for years, long before Sonny and her even kissed for the first time. Sonny had shadowed Barba with admiration and heartfelt eagerness and, quite surprisingly, Barba had _let_ him. Rollins only stopped wondering about the palpable chemistry when Sonny seemingly confirmed his heterosexuality by coming on to her at a motel in Virginia. Now, hindsight shows her that it wasn’t so much a confirmation, but an act of suppression, denying his feelings for Barba. She now knows that Sonny identifies as bisexual, but accepting that fact had been a lot of work for both of them. R

“Thanks, Amanda, I think I really needed to hear that.” Sonny’s voice sounds a bit stronger now, less panicked and more confident.

“You’re right about Rafi and me, and for that I owe you an apology as well. You said it was your stubbornness that made you want to marry me, well, in my case it probably was a desire not to disappoint anyone. I mean, you know my family, having kids and a dog and the white picket fence is the only way to live your life according to the gospel of Tessa and Dominick Carisi. You could give me all that in one fell swoop. And you just were _there_ , you know, I knew what could happen if only I let it.”

He huffs out a wry little laugh.

“Telling you this is pretty ridiculous now that he and I married, but back then I never knew how to approach Rafi. And every time I came up with a game plan, my brain gave me all those images of him rejecting me, and just thinking about that was so painful that I decided I’d rather be stuck in the limbo of wanting him from afar. I really wanted to make it work with you, Amanda, but I entered into a relationship, and the a marriage, with you with at least half of my heart already belonging to somebody else, knowing that I wasn’t straight but not having a damn clue about anything else. I used you just as you used me, and for that I’m sorry.”

Their admissions of guilt fill the static between them, but Amanda feels strangely light. Her congratulatory phonecall turned into a mutual unburdening, but it doesn’t feel painful. Instead, Amanda thinks they’ve turned the final corner towards being at ease with each other again. They’ve finally managed to exchange their misconceptions and misplaced feelings for absolute honesty.

“Well, damn. You know you didn’t need to go all repentant on me, but thanks, Sonny. But please, let’s not go over the top with our kumbaya here.”

The flippancy of her statement makes them both laugh out loud, and find their way back to the early spirit of the conversation. Sonny asks after Jesse and Billie, and finally tells her some anecdotes about his honeymoon in Cuba. The mental image of Barba in shorts and flip-flops, speaking rapid-fire Spanish and completely at ease while Sonny’s sweating under layers of extra strong sunblock, will be enough to entertain her for the rest of the week, probably. As the conversation winds down, she remembers one final thing.

“-let Liv know. Maybe she’d like to set up a FaceTime call with Noah, you know he really misses the girls…”

“Sure. You do that. And, one more thing, Sonny?”

“Yeah?”

“You know how you said you were afraid that Barba would reject you.”

“Uh-huh.”

“You never needed to worry about that. In all my years at SVU, I never once saw him treat a detective like he treated you, just as he never let anyone shadow him except you. It’s always been obvious.”

“To you, maybe,” he says.

“No, actually. Not just to me, but to everyone else as well. Fin had his suspicions when he suddenly accepted a promotion so shortly after you switched to the DA’s office, and Liv went to see him after our wedding reception, although she never said why.”

Sonny clears his throat. “You mean – “

Amanda knows that him and Barba are stable in their relationship. There are no doubts and no trust issues, not anymore, but she also knows it never hurts to have your lover’s adoration for you confirmed by a third party.

“I mean that you’re with the person you were always meant to live your life with. And no matter the pitfalls in between, that’s something, isn’t it.”

“Yeah,” Sonny says softly. “That’s really somethin’.”

They say their goodbyes.

That night, as Amanda puts the wedding pictures into her cardboard box of sentimentality, her phone chimes. It’s Sawyer, a guy she knows from parent-teacher meetings at Billie’s school. He’s pretty new to Atlanta and they’ve talked about maybe setting up a playdate. As she reads his text, _so how about some shrimp and grits at Flying Biscuit on the weekend? Logan says it’s Billie’s favourite restaurant,_ she thinks about his soft brown eyes and mischievous smile. _Sure,_ she types back, _let me know what time works for you._ Maybe it’s time for her to get back out there again.


End file.
